Path of broken days
by stilljustme
Summary: Set directly after the epilogue of "Allegiant" - some days don't suck. Many do. Still, they have to move on.
1. Tobias

**I just finished "**_**Allegiant**_**" for the second time (and cried again) – and then listened to **_**Evanescence's "My immortal**_**" and cried even more. To me, this song fits perfectly to the end of the book.  
Thanks for reading, and please tell me what you think about it!**

* * *

"_My memories of Tris, some of the most powerful memories I have, have dulled with time, as memories do, and they no longer sting as they used to. Sometimes I actually enjoy going over them in my mind, though not often." _

* * *

I thought today was a good day. Actually, not _good_ – I am not ready yet to expect that from my days. But I thought, to say it with Christina's words, that this day would not suck.  
This is what Tris would have wanted me to do. Being brave, I mean, probably not scattering her ashes over the city.  
Our city.

_I'm so tired of being here  
Suppressed by all my childish fears_

I didn't think it would hurt that much today. As if I lost her again, only this time it was by my doing, as if I pushed her away. Now she's spread over a new Chicago that will never know her sacrifice, will never know who she was and what she meant to me.  
I wonder if that matters.

I hoped today would give me some peace. I know it did for Christina, and probably for Caleb, and I guess I should be grateful for that. It was a closure, after all, the ending of our story outside the fence. Those who died are now forever laid to rest.  
Those of us who stay have to move on.

_And if you have to leave  
I wish that you would just leave_

There's a part of me that wants to move on, needs to move on. On not too bad days, I can imagine Tris' face without the feeling that my entire body gets crushed while I struggle for breath, unable to inhale anything but pain.  
Today is not a good day.

_'Cause your presence still lingers here  
And it won't leave me alone_

_These wounds won't seem to heal  
This pain is just too real_

Her face appears before me, unpredicted, unasked, just as she came into my life; as if she had never left me.  
I have long stopped fighting against tears when they come, knowing that they will take away some of the pressure that reminds me why my life, though safe from the bureau, will never be easy again.

_There's just too much that time cannot erase_

Today I have no tears, just her filling my vision, her small, strong figure; the birds that fly up from her collarbone, her lips, calling mine so sweetly that they hurt, her eyes seeing right through me. Knowing me. Claiming me to be good. Waiting for me. Asking me to do the right thing.

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
And I held your hand through all of these years  
But you still have all of me_

There is nothing in this world I wouldn't give to bring her back to life. If that's what she's asking for – after all, she knew what she was doing when she stepped in for her brother.  
My Tris was small, and broken by grief, and hurt by betrayals from the people she loved most, and still she found it in her to forgive and protect Caleb. Protect me, all along.

_You used to captivate me  
By your resonating light  
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind_

It was her belief in me that made me strong. Her love that made me capable to reset my parents and save our city.  
Only to come back and realize that my world was not saved but shattered.  
Broken, but not dead – for more than two years now I wonder why I didn't take the memory serum, why I didn't shoot myself to be with her again. Touch my forehead to hers so my thoughts find peace, hear her laughing at my skin. Feeling her hands drawing me closer, closer, till there was nothing left between us, till finally I felt like I was whole.

Your _face it haunts my once pleasant dreams_

I can't let go of this life because I'm all that's left of her. The man I am now may be broken, damaged, but nevertheless I know he is a better person than I would be if she hadn't found me, and saved me from myself.

_Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me  
These wounds won't seem to heal  
This pain is just too real  
There's just too much that time cannot erase_

Most of the time I'm thankful for Christina to stop me when I wanted to erase her from my mind. Most of the time.

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
And I held your hand through all of these years_

But there are times, days like these, where the good times can't make up for the pain. I'm losing her, I'm alone, once again and more alone even than Marcus' frightened boy ever was.

My memories of our time together are dulling, and I'm afraid that if I only survive long enough, I will forget her smile, forget the way her hair was golden in the early sunlight.  
I'm going to lose her, every day a little bit, and there is already nothing left. For more than two years now, I am waiting. Though I don't know exactly what for.

_But you still have all of me_

_I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone  
But though you're still with me  
I've been alone all along_

Every cell in my body starts to burn with longing, with a need for her so desperate that I forget how to breathe, and I cling to her picture in my mind, taking in every inch of her, everything my world consisted of. I was doomed unworthy and damaged then, but I felt so much more whole, so much more alive than I do now.  
It kills me to see her, and to know that I lost her, and to know that one day I will even lose her memory.

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
And I held your hand through all of these years_

For as long as I lived with Marcus, I wanted but couldn't believe in a god, watching over us. When I became Dauntless, I didn't ask anymore.  
Now, as the new morning dawns, another morning I have to face without Tris, another sunrise she will not see, another part of my life I won't be able to share with her, I find myself praying.  
Let me see you again.  
Let me see you again, before the weight of the world will bury you in my mind, before everything that is good in me collapses under the knowledge that you made me good, and that you are gone.

_But you still have all of me..._

I still miss her. I still love her. I know there'll always be a part of her around, in Christina and Zeke and Matthew and Johanna and of course Caleb. She changed all of us, but it's not enough. It can never be enough.

Let me see you again. Let me be whole again. _  
All of me...  
All of me..._

Grey light creeps up the streets. I have no tears left, only the heavy beating of my heart, pounding through my body, reminding me, every moment, that I'm alive.

That I'm alone.


	2. Christina

_**The lyrics for this chapter are from Regina Spector's „The Call". **_

* * *

"_And you haven't lost me. Christina, you'll never lose me."_

* * *

Well, I did. I lost Tris, and Uriah, and Will, and it sucks. Not all of the time, but… most of it. I think sometimes I only get up because I have to look after Four. Who'd have thought a Stiff keeps me alive.  
But then, he's not a Stiff anymore. Probably never was. I'm not ready to damn the factions, not yet, but I guess we never were as clear-cut as we thought we were. Or as I thought, at least.

_It started out as a feeling  
Which then grew into a hope_

I wonder what Will would say to all of this. Every day I wonder about it.

_Which then turned into a quiet thought  
Which then turned into a quiet word _

I know that those questions don't matter anymore. It's not as if creeping into his mind and understand his thoughts would get him back. I know that.  
But I also know that I have about eighty more years to live, and our world, dizzily spinning as it is right now and has been for the past two years, will sometimes be calm again. At least here.  
I will find a place to live. And according to Cara and her statistics, I will fall in love again.

I don't want to. I guess I will want to, one day, but right now… I want Will. I want him back. And Tris.

I want them back.

_And then that word grew louder and louder  
'Til it was a battle cry_

I want it all back.  
What were we fighting for, exactly? There are no factionless anymore, but there are still are people roaming the streets, homeless. It's the same as before, just without the safety of the factions.

I belonged to Candor, even though I didn't want to live there. Needing to leave was part of my identity, and of Will's – that was what brought us together in the first place, I think. We both felt like we couldn't stay where we were born, but that doesn't mean we didn't love our old factions.

_Just because everything's changing  
Doesn't mean it's never  
Been this way before_

Was it real? My sister is so used to this new world by now, I doubt she'll ever tell her children about the factions.  
Children. In the first weeks after Tris' death I sometimes dreamt of what could have been. Very disturbing dreams, of her and me getting pregnant. Stupid. I mean, Will and I slept together once, but… seriously, kids?

_All you can do is try to know  
Who your friends are _

I guess Tris and I would have stayed friends if we had the chance, but Will and Four?  
Four's… an idiot. Much less now after being with Tris than before, but he still is one. I mean, who lets his dead girlfriend's friend commanding him?

_As you head off to the war_

Then again… if it wasn't for him, I probably wouldn't be here, either. Tris teamed us pretty well, I have to give her that.  
She was desperate, and scared, even if she tried to hide it, but still she made sure we would keep on going. No matter what. She was braver than I was, and smarter… more like Will than I ever could be, but my jealousy about that is long gone. What's the point in being jealous of dead people, anyway?  
If anything, I envy them their peace. Every day is a battle we have to fight, Four and me, and I guess Zeke and Shauna as well. Maybe even Cara, though she'd never admit that even to herself.  
God, I'm siding with the wrong people. How am I supposed to go on if I'm surrounded by the past?

_Pick a star on the dark horizon  
And follow the light_

But being with Will was the best thing that ever happened to me. And I know that Tris was the best thing, by far the best, that ever could happen to Four. We were lucky to have them. I mean, were both better now than we were before.

_You'll come back  
When it's over  
No need to say good bye _

Sometimes I think I can go on. Some days are good, and I'm happy that I'm alive, and I'm actually looking forward to the next eighty years.  
And then I remember that my boyfriend is dead, and my best friend is dead – and Tris was not only my friend. She also was one of the people who knew Will best. Apart from Cara, of course, but she will always see him only as he was in Erudite. It was Tris and I who saw him, remembered him as he wanted to be. As he was.  
_My_ Will.

And that's when I understand why Four wanted to take the memory serum, and when I curse myself for not doing it myself, even if it makes my life a lie, because I'm alone, I'm alone with all the memories and the pain and the longing.  
I just watched my best friend's ashes being littered. She was sixteen.

_Now we're back to the beginning  
It's just a feeling and now one knows yet _

I remain. I know who we were, and Four does too, at least concerning Tris. That does make it easier sometimes, but not often. Not really. Cause no matter how vivid she is in our thoughts, she'll never come back or talk to us.  
And once we move away, or die – I don't want to think about how – it will all be lost.

_But just because they can't feel it too  
Doesn't mean that you have to forget _

I suppose I can't live on memories, can I? I want them back. I want those people back because they made me who I am now. They're the ones who made me… I don't know. Likeable. Good. Less Candor and more… I don't know. I can't know without them. I want Will, I want Tris, I want to see her, now, not only in Four's memories!

_Let your memories grow stronger and stronger  
'Til they're before your eyes _

But they've become all I have.


	3. Caleb

_**The song is "What hurts the most" by Rascal Flatts, and actually I think it fits for Tobias as well, but my first thought was of Caleb. Thank you very much for all reviews, favs and alerts – and again, please tell me what you think.**_

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I did not expect to feel anything today.  
Four… Tobias… whatever, I don't think I will ever get used to this man or his name, was not half as aggressive as I had expected. Maybe he has accepted by now that nothing can change what happened. I got used to his stares and the way his hands move when he sees me, I'm not sure he realizes it himself, but whenever we meet – which, thankfully, is rare – his fingers start dancing, almost stroking the air. That is, I guess, the sweet moment of irritation before he recognizes me. Before it winds up to his clouded mind that I am not her.

Before he remembers that if it wasn't for me, Beatrice would probably still be alive.

_I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house  
That don't bother me  
I can take a few tears now and then and just let 'em out_

I walked through the empty corridors of the bureau in my memory, more often than necessary to reflect over the plan, and over how it turned out in the end. There was, different to what I had allowed myself to believe, a chance to solve the situation in another way. There was a chance, even as she held me at gunpoint, that I would be the one ending up dead.

I guess her boyfriend hasn't thought it through to this point, or he is in that case smarter than me and has accepted that it does not matter.  
It does not matter.

_I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while even though  
Goin' on with you gone still upsets me_

It shouldn't for me either, but unfortunately it does. It upsets me that she first accepted and then condemned my sacrifice, and therefore my apology, and then died herself before any of us could react to the newly broken peace between us.

_There are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay  
But that's not what gets me_

I didn't expect to feel any different on this day, though now I think I should have. I had no part in this funeral, it was an entirely Dauntless activity, though officially we have long abandoned the factions.  
Still I came here, obviously looking for something. Or someone.

I don't know. And that upsets me almost more than anything else. Is it her I seek, traces of the girl I never knew? This Tris they are grieving for is not my sister.  
My sister would have accepted my apologies, she would have done her duty as we both were trained to. She would have listened to me, or at least told me why she could not forgive what I did.  
Would. And that is where my mind gets misled by regrets. Why should I think of "would be"?

I will never, and that upsets me the most, understand Tris.

_What hurts the most  
Was being so close  
And havin' so much to say  
And watchin' you walk away_

I am aware of the stares, aware that nobody in the group appreciated my coming, my existence any more than I do.  
Every breath I take, my sister should breathe. Every day the sun should shine on her face, not on mine. We were siblings, one blood, raised by the same hands. We should not have stirred against each other. "Faction before blood", they think, was my excuse to do it all the same, but that is not true.  
I left because I wanted to do what's right. I could not do that by being who I was raised to be.  
She did the same, my sister, she chose her way.  
We were equal when we left, close as we had been in Abnegation, though factions apart now.

_And never knowin'  
What could've been_

I can't help the question coming up, irrational as it is. Where did our paths diverge? What happened to make my sister going to her death voluntarily, and twice?

_And not seein' that lovin' you  
Is what I was tryin' to do_

Of course, those questions do not matter. To none of us, if there is still an "us" to be called. After all, what linked us was war and death and fear, and those are not bonds to keep intact.

Beatrice could, if she was still with us. I do believe she could – force her silly boyfriend into accepting me, make her silly Dauntless friends stop staring at me as if I was dirt crushed under her shoes.  
She would, there it is again, another reason why I have to stay away from these people.

_It's hard to deal with the pain of losin' you everywhere I go  
But I'm doin' it_

They see her when they look at me, I guess that's why nobody ever tried to kill me. They want to keep whatever little spark of her they get.  
Beatrice Prior. She belonged to me for most of her life, she was my only family after our parents were killed. The only person in this world I was ready to die for, and I am left with nothing.

_It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone  
Still harder gettin' up, gettin' dressed, livin' with this regret_

I live, and can't pretend I do not enjoy my work. There are new things to learn every day, and it both justification for why I am still alive - by serving the community with my knowledge – and distraction for why there is nobody to share my results with.  
Beatrice, if she had taken my apology, would have liked what I do. She was always too curious for her own good.

_But I know if I could do it over  
I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart  
That I left unspoken_

Why did she not let me do this? I understand my value for the community. I cannot die now because I miss a girl that hated me so much she would rather die than forgiving me. It would be irrational. And on good days, the guilt vanishes. After all I offered myself. What else could any of them wish from me? I was ready. It was her who didn't let me be good in their eyes.

I am not the bad one here, I am a victim. Just as they are.  
A victim of my sister's inability to… well, live.

_What hurts the most  
Is being so close  
And havin' so much to say_

I wish she would have chosen differently. I wish she was still alive, even if I would not be there to know it. But she is gone and left us and there is no reason to linger on her memory for a second longer.

_And watchin' you walk away_

Everyone has to make their own decisions. Beatrice's – no, Tris', I won't say that's the same just because it seems easier – decision was to close every door to her and die.

What is my decision, concerning her? I saw her ashes dance to the ground today. I have to know what to think of her now that every trace is erased.  
Or is it? I do not know.

I hate to be in doubt. I hate not to know what to think.

I hate her. I hate that I would have needed her forgiveness.  
I hate that after all this time I do believe that I loved her.

I love her.

_And never knowin'  
What could've been  
And not seein' that lovin' you  
Is what I was tryin' to do_


	4. Tobias 2

**Though I really really love Four still being grieving in the epilogue of "Allegiant" I think he'd deserve a little closure. Alright, maybe it's just **_**me**_** needing a closure and something halfway happy for him.  
Anyway, enjoy reading and I'd be thankful for a review! Lyrics come from "If I never knew you", featured on the album of Disney's "Pocahontas". And the very last quote comes from the book.**

_If I never knew you  
If I never felt this love  
I would have no inkling of  
How precious life can be_

I guess sleep will never find me easily, but I have found ways to cope with that. As I have, to my own surprise, found ways to cope with everything that happened.  
I'm still here. I'm here, at the roof of the Hancock building – running has always been one of my favorite ways of dealing, and combining streets with stairs makes it feel even better - and wait for the sun to reach me. I'm waiting, which means I care – for myself, for my job, for my life.  
Life. It still feels strange, this chaos we threw ourselves in voluntarily. The factions are long buried, officially, and also in the heads of the people I think I they are slowly dying.  
I like to think Tris would be proud of us.

_And if I never held you  
I would never have a clue  
How at last I'd find in you  
The missing part of me._

If it wasn't for her, nothing of this would have happened. I used to be angry at first, thinking how she seemed the only reason my life gained its worth and then leaving me back to nothing, but it's not like that.  
Tris didn't only build up me, and my life is not worthless without her. It still seems that way, every once in a while, it's a very thin line between gratefulness and despair, but I get better at not crossing it.  
I was afraid I would lose her – and I've lost much, I lost her hair in the wind and the shape of her fingers, I lost her first weeks in Dauntless, before I really got to know her – but the truth is, she'll never be gone completely.

She is everywhere. And I know what she wants me to do. She never lied to me in this at least. I know I have to be strong, and help this new world unfolding.

_In this world so full of fear  
Full of rage and lies  
I can see the truth so clear  
In your eyes  
So dry your eyes_

There are days when I can't help asking myself whether I wasn't better off if I had never met her. I probably would have died somewhere in the slaughtering of the Abnegation, fighting my new faction to protect my old, but we all die, don't we?  
No matter how hard we fight we can't escape, nor can't make those we love escape death.

_And I'm so grateful to you  
I'd have lived my whole life through  
Lost forever  
If I never knew you_

Then again, there was not much of a life for me before I met Tris. And even less love.

_I thought our love would be so beautiful  
Somehow we'd make the whole world bright  
I never knew that fear and hate could be so strong  
all they'd leave us were these whispers in the night  
But still my heart is saying we were right_

The first sunlight creeping up will always bring her memory back, I know that now. The memory of our first and last morning. The night before is blurred, though I haven't repeated the act to keep the feeling intact (something Christina hates me for, because it makes her feel guilty for sleeping with other men by now. Who'd thought I would ever talk about things as this to anybody?). But the look in Tris' eyes is burnt into my brain. We had just gone through our most difficult time together. If I think about it now… but I can't think about that.

When she looked at me that morning there was no insecurity in her eyes, no lie. No doubts that any of us was not enough. For each other, for the world, for everything. I felt like I had just done something right, something strong and lasting.  
Then she died and I realized that _nothing_ would last. Nothing.

_There's no moment I regret  
Since that moment that we met  
If our time has gone too fast  
I've lived at last_

I was wrong. Some things remain. And even if everything good should fade away… I would not want to change anything we've done together. I would have died if it meant her life, and some nights feel like I have to die anyway, without her.  
But the thought of never knowing her is even worse. I know who I am now, and what I have to do, and where I belong.  
I knew nothing of that before I met Tris.

_And if I never knew you  
If I never knew you  
I'd have lived my whole life through  
Empty as the sky  
Never knowing why  
Lost forever  
If I never knew you_

The shadows of our city look darker now against the golden sunlight, reflecting from the glass. This day will be beautiful for so many people. I will force myself to find it beautiful, too, and it will work. At least for some time.  
I know now that life is worth living. Tris gave me that feeling, she gave me the feeling of being worthy to live and to enjoy what we have.  
Of course, with her I lost the most precious of my life, the truest reason to love life. But I know that she would want me to go on, and somehow… the more I came to love her, the more she became my world, the more I realized other things and people worth living for.  
Life.  
It still feels strange, but I think I am ready to live it.  
For her.

_Some days are harder than others, but I am ready to live each one of them._

For Tris.


End file.
